The 10 Funniest Colin Robinson Quotes
Sarah Parker Colin Robinson's deadpan humor and corny jokes have drained What We Do In The Shadows fans for years. Here are the energy vampire's funniest lines.
As an energy vampire in What We Do In The Shadows, Colin Robinson has the unique ability to drain emotions from his victims instead of blood. His deadpan humor and awkward interactions are always hilarious and have given fans some unforgettable moments throughout the years.
Colin’s best quotes capture his personality and original brand of humor that none of the other characters have. He usually chimes in during the most inappropriate moments, volunteering mundane information or trying out a new draining technique. From his distinctive use of trail mix to his thoughts on zoning ordinances, Colin often says the most entertaining things when he has the spotlight.
10 “This Is My Office, Also Known As The Hunting Ground.”
When Colin is introduced to fans in season 1, they’re given a tour of his office. His day job is a running gag in What We Do In The Shadows, as nobody really knows what he does, not even Colin himself.
The only thing the energy vampire is sure of is how easy it is to victimize his colleagues who listen to him drone on about menial topics. At one point, he uses a mechanical pencil sharpener to annoy several of his coworkers so he could feed off of them all at once.
9 “When It Comes To Zoning Ordinances, I Have A Few Thoughts.”
The vampires are in deep trouble in the season 1 episode, “City Council.” After Baron Afanas threatens to kill them if they don’t take over New York, Colin suggests going to the Staten Island Borough Council to begin their domination.
Things don’t go exactly as planned for everyone else except for Colin, who is more than happy to take the microphone and talk about zoning ordinances. He’s familiar with the council, as he goes there every single week to do “a quick mega-feed” from the “smorgasbord of banality and despair.” There’s no telling how long his speech about zoning ordinances goes on, but it’s a great example of how he can take the most uninteresting topics and use them to bore his unwitting victims.
8 “I Wish You Nothing But Continued Success Feeding On The Addle-Brained Cattle That Waste Their Lives Around Us.”
In the third episode of season 1, the strange romance between Colin and Evie Russell takes center stage. Colin correctly guesses that she’s an energy vampire when he realizes Evie is draining others using pity. He mentions how since he’s met her, she’s had “at least six pairsof grandparents die,” which hinted at her true nature.
The two get into a chaotic relationship and combine their power to drain their coworkers. When Evie starts demonizing Colin in front of their colleagues, Colin decides that it’s an unhealthy relationship and says this line as they break up. It's an oddly touching scene where it seems like Colin actually cares about his manipulative counterpart.
7 “Yeah, I’m Not Positive What My Deal Is Either, So I Just Sort Of Keep On Truckin’.”
Since the premiere, Colin has become a likable character, despite nobody really knowing exactly where he’s from or what energy vampires are. In fact, Laszlo claims in season 1 that Colin just “came with the house.”
In the season 2 episode, “Ghosts,” the vampires are discussing whether it’s possible to have ghost versions of themselves since they were all formerly humans. Nandor says that he’s “not sure about” Colin’s place in this situation, to which the energy vampire responds with this humorous line. It’s an acknowledgment of how little is known about his past and how everyone, including Colin, has no real desire to find out.
6 “Like You Give A S**t!”
The season 2 episode, “Colin’s Promotion,” proves that Colin is actually one of the scariest creatures in What We Do In The Shadows. When he unexpectedly gets a promotion at work and starts spending more time in the office, he becomes terrifyingly powerful.
Earlier in the episode, the group ignore Colin’s input about the artworks they were using to decorate the house. When Nadja realizes that the energy vampire is using his newfound abilities to manipulate them and feed off of their agitation, she asks him for his opinion on the décor. Colin retorts with this aggressive but funny line, which is out of character for the usually calm vampire.
5 “Updog?”
When Colin learns how to weaponize humor to drain his victims, he makes several failed attempts in the second episode of season 2 to use his new “Updog” joke. He unsuccessfully tries to get the camera crew, the other vampires, and even Guillermo to respond.
By the end of the day, Colin resorts to holding his own séance to summon the ghost of his grandmother just so he could tell his joke. She unsurprisingly falls for it and Colin is finally able to pull off the outdated gag. When she starts asking him about how he is, Colin loses interest and says they should “catch up another time.” He quickly blows out the candle and sends his grandma – who hasn’t spoken to anyone since she died – back into the void.
4 “One Of The Best Ways To Drain People’s Energy Nowadays Is Via The Internet.”
One thing that makes Colin one of the smartest characters on the show is his up-to-date knowledge of regular activities, like using the internet. In the subplot of the season 2 episode, “The Return,” Colin showcases how he can masterfully navigate the internet and use online fights and conversations to drain people from around the world.
Everything goes well until he encounters Norman Hule, who proves to be a resilient opponent with his witty comebacks and rude replies. Colin is able to track him down in real life and discovers that he’s literally a troll, although he takes offense from being called one. It’s a shocking twist that shows there are a lot of other fascinating creatures in the mockumentary’s universe.
3 “How 'Bout If, Uh, You Go Be Immortal At Brunch?”
In the fifth episode of season 1, the vampires find themselves in another absurd situation after Laszlo is captured by Staten Island Animal Control. Colin makes a comment about how daywalkers like him are more powerful than the traditional nightwalkers.
He goes on to explain how vampires often brag about their immortality but will “poof” from a ray of sunlight. Unlike Colin’s kind, these creatures of the night can’t take their immortality and brag about it over brunch. Indeed, Colin and Guillermo are the only ones the trio of vampires can rely on when they need something done during the day.
2 “I Have My Trail Mix, Not To Eat, Of Course, But To Shove Into The Crevices Of The Seats.”
In the season 3 episode, “Gail,” Colin and Laszlo work together to dismantle Laszlo’s old jalopy, which they found hidden in a secret room of the Vampiric Council’s library. Laszlo details the history of his beloved “Stutz-Laszlo” which was originally made for Henry Ford.
The pair plan an exciting road trip and Laszlo tells Colin that they can go anywhere in the world – the energy vampire quickly decides he wants to visit Buffalo. To prepare for the road trip, he brings his iPod that has 25 copies of "Hey There Delilah." He also shows the camera crew a bag of trail mix that he will carefully stuff in the seats of the car. It’s a comical moment that highlights how Colin has mastered the art of annoying other people in the smallest ways.
1 “I Don’t Live To Drain, I Drain To Live.”
In the fifth episode of season 2, Colin has an important realization about how important Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor are to him. After spending more time in the office and gaining immense power, he finds himself feeling unsatisfied and missing his housemates.
It only takes a few weeks for his company to go bankrupt thanks to his excessive draining. This prompts Colin to tone it down a bit and move to another workplace as his old self. He says this hilarious twist on the cliché “I don’t live to work, I work to live” after he settles back into his old routines. It’s doubtful that fans will ever see the energy vampire’s unbelievable powers again after that episode, as Colin is more satisfied being his mediocre self as long as he’s with his family.
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